Me. At least after what I've been through.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
