In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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