I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
