Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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