If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
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I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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