remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
