So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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