Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
