I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
