its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No...this little piggys going to the bar
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
