the condom got lost in my hair
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
As shirtless as possible
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
