highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
