we're blogging at a bar
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
