She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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