you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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