I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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