When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
