You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
