I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
