I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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