I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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