Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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