My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
