and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
