how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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