my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
