The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
