They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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