you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
