everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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