Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
