She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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