Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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