I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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