She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
50% drunk capacity currently
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
