haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
