i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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