It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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