she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
