Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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