we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
