I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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