She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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