Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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