i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
