Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
