atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
