Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
