did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
