We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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