he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
