My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
