i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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