apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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