Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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