Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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