I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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