allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Are my feet made of real feet?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
